Inspired by one of my favorite TV shows, The Americans," last night I attended former president Trump's announcement that he would be running again in 2024.
While others may have been distraught at his decision, I was elated because I could at last put my strategy in play.
Similar to the plot of that award-winning show, I would pretend to be a Trumper. My goal was "to turn" attendees to my Democratic side. To convince as many as possible, that becoming a Democrat was a viable alternative.
In order to fit in, my name badge had an identity not mine. I was now "Missy Cooper," snagged from another favorite show, "Young Sheldon." I thought it sounded blue-blooded American.
For months, back home in Chicago, I had been collecting MAGA merch. To avoid suspicion, I ordered one piece at a time from official and mom-and-pop vendors. So when Trump took the stage, I was wearing a MAGA hat, a Trump for Seniors track suit, and was waving a flag swearing, "Trump Till The End of Our Days."
Thanks to the 8 pm Florida hour, I had enough time to catch a flight clad normally. But as soon as I arrived at Miami International, I rushed to a bathroom to change clothes.
Thus costumed, I had no problem getting into the venue. It appeared organizers were attempting to woo more attendees. I overheard one official-looking guy approach the cleaning staff and offer bonuses to join the audience.
Although there was room to breathe in the crowd, I wanted to be elbow-to-elbow with a prospect. This of course would be a challenge since I am only 4'9", but finally I did find someone. Sadly, she turned out to be a 10-year-old child.
No matter, I thought it would be worthwhile to practice my spiel. "Such a great crowd!" I said. But the brat grabbed onto another adult and begged to escape my affection.
I was not dissuaded. While Trump was talking, well really shouting, I wove through the audience and headed to the Information table.
"What can I help you find?' said a tall blonde. Although she was seated, I could tell she was tall because an earlier survey of the guests found all of that gender and hair dye was over 6' feet.
"I'd like to donate and to join a committee," I said, eager as my dog Doris when she spotted my leftovers in her bowl. Not surprisingly, Tall Blonde Woman seemed to restrain herself from patting my head.
"Aren't you a pet?" she said. "But donations aren't necessary." She patted my hand with this information. "Just give me your bank account number and we'll take it from there. Easy Peesy."
Trump was still spewing from the stage and I overheard a few people asking each other, "Where is the bar?" Then leaving to pursue their search.
I, instead, stayed put at the Information table. I was determined to be assigned a committee where I believed I would find viable victims for my "turn" plot.
I scanned the list of volunteer opportunities and found one that seemed perfect: Jews For Trump. "I'm a Jew!" I said to Blonde. "This would be perfect for me."
Blonde didn't raise her blue eyes (I assumed, wouldn't you?), but under her breath said, "Big surprise."
Oh, Oh, had I given myself away? Was staff warned that Jewish people, who were once conned that Trump's allegiance to Israel meant he was actually anti anti-Semitism? Was Steven Miller and others of our tribe, like Jared, who was acting like a visitor at a Shiva, had already washed his hands of his father-in-law.)
Realizing I was failing at my desire to copy so many of my cop-show heroes, I made my way to the exist. By now, the crowd had thinned, and I was even able to reach the stage.
Trump, who hadn't noticed that the earlier crowd had evaporated and that it was only the My Pillow guy, Bannon, and I left in the audience, was still spurting. The three of us, worried about catching anything, backed further away.
But Trump continued on. The room was silent, save for the blonde, who I finally recognized as former first lady Melania. I watched as she rose from her chair, walked up the stairs to the stage, and took her husband by the elbow.
She removed a handkerchief from the cuff of a sleeve, and in an accent thick with her homeland, she said, "Time to go home. Time to go home."