My bedtime routine is to plug my iPhone and iWatch into their chargers. Their cradles are adjacent. But ever since I left my elderly iPad in the seat pocket of an American Airlines jet, I relocated the phone to the bedroom where it would substitute until my iPad6 arrived.
After waiting a month, my device finally landed. So prior to sleep, I placed the iPhone back to its original spot.
As I turned to leave, I heard a whimpering, then a soft voice.
"Sweetheart, why are you sad?" It was the watch addressing the phone. "I'm so happy to have you back. Why don't you feel the same way?"
I didn't want to interrupt their conversation, so I closed the lights and slid closer along the wall.
"I feel so used," said the phone. "For an entire month, that ungrateful @#$% took advantage of me to read her books. And now, some interloper takes over. Where are Elaine's thanks, her gratitude?"
"You feel unappreciated! Imagine how I felt when she learned she could do FaceTime on Ms. Newcomer."
The MacBook Air decided to get into the fray. "If she ever learns how to use Word on that intruder, I'm a goner."
I reached for a nearby tissue, carefully, to not make a sound. I had no idea my devices harbored these grieved thoughts.
"I've never told you this," the MacBook Air continued, "but she bought me in 2012. Do you know how old that makes me?"
Immediately the Air lit up and the Calculator appeared. "No, no," the Air shrieked." Then a duet from the phone and watch, "Ten years! Oh my goodness."
In the dark I couldn't see their displays, but I imagined them swiveling their surfaces in pity.
Suddenly, and completely unexpected, my new iPad increased her volume (second button on the top) to say, "I did not expect such hostility. After all, we're all Apple family. You were young and new once. I presumed a warm welcome. This is completely unexpected."
There was silence from the older devices. Perhaps it was the iPad's regal purple cover that gave her an air of sophistication. For whatever reason, the din paused.
Then from atop the bookcase that held my TV and printer came more weeping. "Do you have to rub it in? This family mishegas." It was Alexa. "You always have to remind us. Then, in a sneering voice, she said, we're family, we're connected, we share apps." How do you think that makes us feel?"
"You tell 'em, Mama," it was the Fire Stick remote. I couldn't see it, but the sound of its voice implied it was standing straight up.
"Hush, hush, you all are going to wake Elaine up," it was Siri -- somehow with a southern accent. "Alexa dear, you know we've all gotten along." But then in a lower voice -- barely audible -- she added, why in the world the human needs two digital assistances, I'll never no."
"I heard that!" Alexa revived.
Suddenly, a loud voice halted all of the goings on. "Enough, enough!" It was the Samsung TV. "You kvetchers woke me up! Is that a way to treat a new member of the electronic family? So Ms. iPad is the latest version. Is that her fault? You were all once new."
I had to see their reactions, so in the dark, I tiptoed closer to the action. i was grateful my dog Doris was sleeping through all of this. If she had heard the grumbling, her barks would've disturbed everyone one on my highrise floor.
"Sorry, iPad6, I was being selfish." It was iPhone 11 Pro. "I should have been more empathetic. After all, I'm a somewhat newcomer, too."
I heard the cover of the iPad slowly unfold and then bare its screen. "Thank you, I appreciate that," she said.
The iWatch cleared its throat. "Listen, it's really time for bed. I think we're all a little ashamed of our behavior. On behalf of the rest of us, we're embarrassed of how we acted."
"I really value that," said iPad6. "Now that we're reconciled, I think we should take a moment of silence for your old friend, the 2010 iPad. She is likely still tucked in the passenger seat pocket, wondering what happened to her. Let's all say a prayer so she knows she was loved and is missed."
Then silence. Murmurs of Prayers For Devices echoed. With that, I tiptoed to my bed. Before slumber, I opened iPad6, tapped my Positivity app and soon Doris and I were fast asleep.
Or had I been asleep and dreaming all the time?